When the Caregiver is Being Abused by the Person Who They Care For

For us, who have endured verbal abuse, cruel manipulations, and even physical abuse from a loved one who we are caring for, we face a very difficult challenge as there isn’t much assistance for us to start with! Let alone assistance with an abusive loved one! We have to ask ourselves these difficult questions, “Should I put up with this abuse? Should this be tolerated due to our loved ones condition or not? If not, what are our options? Calling the police isn’t always the best choice, so what CAN we do?” Treatment Advocacy Center’s ‘Catalyst’ proposes that Assisted Outpatient Treatment (AOT) laws are the answer as when this behavior occurs it is usually from untreated or treatment resistant severe brain disorders (severe mental illness) and with proper treatment, the issue will be resolved. While I strongly support the implementation of AOTs, and agree that this is the over all solution to the disturbing and disruptive behaviors from the symptoms of severe brain disorders, this doesn’t offer help for those who need it NOW. It is still a worthy cause and one that I personally feel we need to continue to lobby for until every state has full implementation. ‘Hope for overwhelmed family caregivers Assisted outpatient treatment significantly reduces caregiver strain’ by TAC Executive Director Mary T. Zdanowicz, Esq. http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/storage/documents/2005springsummercatalyst.pdf But what can we do NOW? How can we protect ourselves and still provide the needed care for our loved ones? Perhaps if you list out problem times you might start to see a pattern. Then you can try to come up with some common sense solutions. Plan on the abuse before it happens and have a plan on how to work around it. Remember, with all information you read or hear, take what you need and leave the rest. I strongly suggest the following for your consideration: Know the patterns of your loved ones abuse. What sets them off? Plan for it and work the plan. Change it as needed. Remember, safety first! I strongly suggest that you consult with a specialist when devising your plan. Where is your loved one’s behavior at it’s best? If you see the signs of your loved one becoming more irritable, try changing you location. Where are you the safest? Usually in public or with visitors in the home. So, either try calmly removing yourself from the area or invite a guest to come visit. If you can’t get out, then remove yourself to another part of your home. This may mean going out or locking yourself in the bathroom with some good music or reading materials until your loved one is more calm. Install a dead bolt on your bedroom door so they can’t follow you and so you feel safe. Make sure you have your phone at all times! Remove all sharp and blunt objects that can be used as weapons against you. Call a crisis team out for an evaluation. Explain to your loved one that it is the behavior that is making you uncomfortable and concerned about their wellbeing. Go to therapy! Get some professional guidance for your specific situation. Make sure they have a strong background with a lot of experience with your loved one’s illness! Talk to your loved ones doctor about this disturbing behavior. If you are not the HIPPA agent then just inform the doctor about the issue. They will usually listen even if they can’t comment. You can request the doctor’s office calls your loved one in for a visit and they can then address any medication adjustments or recommend group therapy. Become the HIPPA agent or get power of attorney for your loved one so you can consult with their doctors. If your loved one is able to reason, you might find Dr. Amador’s techniques helpful in de-escalating the situation before they become abusive. There is information just for family members: http://www.leapinstitute.org/family-members/ Also, I think the articles and blogs below show that the problem of abuse and violence against caregivers is not limited to those caring for those who suffer from a severe brain disorder (severe mental illness). It’s a much wider problem with no clear answers. They seem to have the same frustration as we do trying to deal with this problem! We are not alone! If you substitute “elderly” with the illness your loved one has, I think you’ll find the information given below still useful. “I'm starting to feel abused by being a caregiver. What can I do about it?” from Caregiving.com In this ‘blog’, a caregiver expresses how she feels taken advantage of by the person she’s giving care to who is not a family member. The advice she receives is one of drawing some hard boundary lines. Read it here: http://www.caring.com/questions/how-to-prevent-being-an-abused-caregiver “What can caregivers do when they are being abused by the elder they are caring for?” from Agingcare.com “...my mother has mental problems and emotheral. as well. she is a drama queen , she claims she in pain or somthing else she yells at me and my dad and treats him like shit she should be in anger mangerment class. i will leave it like this for now theres more. i would like to have proof that family member get abruse from their parents. thank you” You can sign up for an e-mail newsletter from this site. Answer and full issue at: http://www.agingcare.com/Questions/what-can-caregiver-do-if-being-abused-by-elder-143538.htm ‘Abusive behaviors in elders’ from Eldercarelink “...Caregivers Must Somehow Manage 
There are no simple answers to the dilemma of elders who abuse their caregivers. Caregivers' voices need to be heard when a caregiver feels abused by an elder. Such allegations should be taken seriously. 
If you are a primary caregiver to an elder whom you perceive to be abusive in any way, here are a few thoughts. Share your frustration and concern with someone you trust, whether in a caregiver support group, your doctor or your elder's physician, or a representative from your state's aging agency. If your elder has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, contact the Alzheimer's Foundation 24/7 hotline. A counselor should be available to assist you and offer helpful advice. Call (800) 272-3900. If Alzheimer's is not the culprit, there still may be an underlying medical or psychological disease process, including stroke or personality disorders, so be sure to let your elder's doctor know what is happening. If abuse ever rises to the level of an emergency, consider whether to call EMS for assistance, be it for yourself, and/or your elder's safety. Your elder may be better off in an appropriate long-term care facility where staff is trained to handle similar resident profiles. Is assisted living an appropriate housing alternative for your elder? If the answer is yes, contact a geriatric social worker or your state's aging agency to help you get started. Retaliation and elder abuse is never an option, of course. If nothing else, hire respite care that will allow you to get out and away more often. You do not have to love someone to assist or care for the person. If not love, think compassion and tolerance. Don't be afraid to invite other family members or visitors over. Random visits may be more helpful to you if you are an abused caregiver. A well-timed visit may expose strained relationships and yield possible evidence of bodily assault to the caregiver. Most importantly, as the song says, there comes a time to know when to fold 'em and when to walk away. Ask for help and keep sharing!” Full article: http://www.eldercarelink.com/Other-Resources/Caregiving-Support/abusive-behaviors-in-elders.htm ‘Seniors Who Abuse Their Caregivers’ from The Eldercare Team For every identified case of elder abuse we are convinced that there are at least as many seniors abusing a caregiver. This abuse is rarely recognized outside the caregiving circle, and caregivers who are being abused on a daily basis are desperate for support and resources they can't find or are afraid to ask for. Full article: http://www.eldercareteam.com/public/642.cfm